bad times of late

Self-fulfilling prophecy… I knew things would not be so good once my parents came back home. NOt just them being here, I mean, not just them making things worse, but because of them being home I wouldn’t be able to stay in all the time and would have to go out.

I was determined to make the most of it, went out to see friends more, have made plans to do things. SC, MJ and I are going to the Georgia RenFaire Sunday with JG and her daughters. SC, MJ and I will sort of dress up. Not in our full wenchly garb, but pirate shirts and a wee bit sexy. I’m already doubting it. Wishing I hadn’t been the one to instigate this plan.

Last night SC, MJ and I went out and did a little shopping. We were having fun in the fabric store, then on to a Party City, back where the costumes are, just trying on hats and goofing off. I went around an aisle, not realizing there was a full length mirror on a wall, because there was a lot of junk on the wall, and I got a long look at myself. First there was a glance and I thought I was seeing into the rest of the shop and I just thought there was some lady passing by the entryway as I was, then I realized it was me and I was like, damnit, I will not let this ruin my evening. I kept having to push my image out of my head. Otherwise I would have ruined the girls evening by insisting we go home then. how to explain to them that Oh, I have to go home now because I realized that I was mistaken that I thought i looked kind of nice today. That in fact I look like a dumpy middle aged woman with a horse-face, and I should be embarrassed that I’m hanging out with two 21 year old girls and acting like I’m your friend. So we have to go home now.

And until we went to IHOP last night I’ve hardly eaten all week and I doubt I’ve lost any weight.

Wednesday at lunch I just waited for my mom to make this comment that she always does. Normally I would have ordered the fried chicken wings. This day I didn’t. I got mac and cheese, black eyed peas, and okra. I ate less than half of each thing on my plate. I ate part of a wing because my Dad got a plate of them. Then finally the moment came when my mom looked at all our plates, shook her head, sighed, and said, “I won’t be making dinner. You’re on your own, not that I can imagine anyone being hungry after eating all that.” I ate less than a cup of food, probably slightly over half a cup of food, and she was making me feel like I’d just stuffed my face with fried fat wrapped in bacon and washed down with a milk shake made with heavy cream. And for break fast what did I have? My Dad had brought home breakfast and in it was a ham and cheese croissant. I cut off one tip of the croissant and ate that. In the 48 hours prior to it this I’d eaten two chicken pot pies, and drunk a cup of milk in the middle of the night when I couldn’t go to sleep and decided it was because my stomach was weird.

I did eat a good meal at Ihop last night. We all ordered the same thing. It was a big breakfast with pancakes, hashbrowns, bacon and eggs. I ate part of one egg, half the pancakes, some of the hashbrowns, and most of a piece of bacon. MJ kept looking at my plate and I remember thinking that she must have thought I was lying about not having really eaten anything that day other than two bites for breakfast, two bites of a banana, and a sandwich made with a piece of bread, a little bit of peanut butter and jelly, and that was all. Today I actually had an appetite. We had fried fish for lunch and I had some grits for lunch and ate a healthy portion for dinner. So tomorrow when I get on the scale and haven’t lost weight I’ll blame it on eating today.

But seriously, you’d think the way I hardly ate this week I could have lost something. I’ve got to start walking a lot and exercising a lot too. I can’t go on being fat. I got my hair highlighted today and couldn’t stand looking in the mirror.

I’m waiting for someone to ask my why I did this to my hair.