Were you talking?

Why is it that lately it’s annoying me more than usual that my father flat out ignores me when I’m talking? It’s not as if this is a new occurence. I’ll be talking to my mother, he decides he has something to say, so he just talks. Or he’ll be talking to me and I try to make a point or offer a suggestion or a reinforcement to his position, and he completely ignores it, or begins talking over me. Nothing new. Lately though, it just bugs me and I’ve been retaliating.

This morning he came marching in talking about something that happened at the city council meeting. Mom doesn’t care about anything that happens in local politics. He talks about this constantly, doesn’t matter she doesn’t care. He cares. That’s all that matters. Mom is too polite to tell him she wishes he would shut up. I’m there, so Mom walks out. He keeps talking to me. I tried making a point. It was too good of a point in opposition to Dad’s view. He got a bit annoyed, was able to backtrack though and change gears. Something else about the council meeting, about all that’s done for the youth, and something about young adults or adults, and I said, “Well there isn’t anything for them to do.” He quickly dismissed this since it wasn’t what he wanted to talk about and said, “I’ve always said, adults should be able to find something to do.” and I said, “Just like a politician. You would make a great one. What about the skate park and the bike thing. Kids should be able to go play in their yards. If anyone should just be able to find something to do it should be them.” But he’d already dismissed me and started talking about something else,.

Soooo, he’s still talking about whatever and I want to make a point and I even say to him, “Listen to me, I’m going to agree with you,” and when I start making my point he starts talking over me so I say, and I say it in normal conversational tones, not in an undertone or under my breath, but just like I was still talking to him, “OK, you don’t listen to me, then I’m not going to listen to you.” and I went about what I was doing, Dad talking happily away. Then when he finished I kept on doing what I was doing and didn’t respond. Finally he asked, “Are you mad?” and I said, “Didn’t you hear me? I said that if you aren’t going to listen to me, I’m not listening to you.” and left the room.

The reason I’m telling this story is this has been my whole life. A lot of BDD is low self-esteem. Hard to have good self-esteem when even your parents ignore you.

I have a cousin who will talk, talk, talk at you and talk at you and talk at you. Non-stop. He’ll follow you around as you try to leave, talking non-stop. He’s got friends and at work he sees people all day and they come by and hang out with him, so I don’t know that  it’s all about him being lonely. So I don’t know what it is other than he’s incredibly selfish. But I’m afraid of being like him. That I’ll just follow people around talking because I want somebody to talk to.

But I don’t want to be like my Dad. Talking over people and ignoring what they have to say. Making them feel insignificant.

bad times of late

Self-fulfilling prophecy… I knew things would not be so good once my parents came back home. NOt just them being here, I mean, not just them making things worse, but because of them being home I wouldn’t be able to stay in all the time and would have to go out.

I was determined to make the most of it, went out to see friends more, have made plans to do things. SC, MJ and I are going to the Georgia RenFaire Sunday with JG and her daughters. SC, MJ and I will sort of dress up. Not in our full wenchly garb, but pirate shirts and a wee bit sexy. I’m already doubting it. Wishing I hadn’t been the one to instigate this plan.

Last night SC, MJ and I went out and did a little shopping. We were having fun in the fabric store, then on to a Party City, back where the costumes are, just trying on hats and goofing off. I went around an aisle, not realizing there was a full length mirror on a wall, because there was a lot of junk on the wall, and I got a long look at myself. First there was a glance and I thought I was seeing into the rest of the shop and I just thought there was some lady passing by the entryway as I was, then I realized it was me and I was like, damnit, I will not let this ruin my evening. I kept having to push my image out of my head. Otherwise I would have ruined the girls evening by insisting we go home then. how to explain to them that Oh, I have to go home now because I realized that I was mistaken that I thought i looked kind of nice today. That in fact I look like a dumpy middle aged woman with a horse-face, and I should be embarrassed that I’m hanging out with two 21 year old girls and acting like I’m your friend. So we have to go home now.

And until we went to IHOP last night I’ve hardly eaten all week and I doubt I’ve lost any weight.

Wednesday at lunch I just waited for my mom to make this comment that she always does. Normally I would have ordered the fried chicken wings. This day I didn’t. I got mac and cheese, black eyed peas, and okra. I ate less than half of each thing on my plate. I ate part of a wing because my Dad got a plate of them. Then finally the moment came when my mom looked at all our plates, shook her head, sighed, and said, “I won’t be making dinner. You’re on your own, not that I can imagine anyone being hungry after eating all that.” I ate less than a cup of food, probably slightly over half a cup of food, and she was making me feel like I’d just stuffed my face with fried fat wrapped in bacon and washed down with a milk shake made with heavy cream. And for break fast what did I have? My Dad had brought home breakfast and in it was a ham and cheese croissant. I cut off one tip of the croissant and ate that. In the 48 hours prior to it this I’d eaten two chicken pot pies, and drunk a cup of milk in the middle of the night when I couldn’t go to sleep and decided it was because my stomach was weird.

I did eat a good meal at Ihop last night. We all ordered the same thing. It was a big breakfast with pancakes, hashbrowns, bacon and eggs. I ate part of one egg, half the pancakes, some of the hashbrowns, and most of a piece of bacon. MJ kept looking at my plate and I remember thinking that she must have thought I was lying about not having really eaten anything that day other than two bites for breakfast, two bites of a banana, and a sandwich made with a piece of bread, a little bit of peanut butter and jelly, and that was all. Today I actually had an appetite. We had fried fish for lunch and I had some grits for lunch and ate a healthy portion for dinner. So tomorrow when I get on the scale and haven’t lost weight I’ll blame it on eating today.

But seriously, you’d think the way I hardly ate this week I could have lost something. I’ve got to start walking a lot and exercising a lot too. I can’t go on being fat. I got my hair highlighted today and couldn’t stand looking in the mirror.

I’m waiting for someone to ask my why I did this to my hair.