Montel

Yesterday on the Montel Williams show the discussion was Body Dysmorphic Disorder. There were three very brave guests. I couldn’t have gone on that show. To sit there on display with everyone looking at me. To try to face a mirror…

The doctor who was on the show mentioned two types of people “Checker” and “Avoiders”. This refers to looking at one’s own reflection. I am an Avoider. I avoid seeing my reflection as much as possible. It can depress me, ruin my whole day, to see myself. I have a problem with morphing. My image changes and I never know what I’ll see when I look in the mirror. Lately I’ve noticed that the lower portion of my face, from my cheekbones down has become quite wide and flat. My nose is now much narrower at the bridge between my eyes than it is at the end. This could all change tomorrow. A Checker spends a lot of time in the mirror. They can get lost in their reflections, making sure everything is perfect, nothing is out of place, wanting to change what they see and obsessing over it.

The doctor had them look at themselves objectively. To state objective facts about themselves; My hair is long and brown. My eyebrows are an inch apart. My nose is small. That sort of thing.  I tried doing that this morning. I get my hair is long and stringy. My eyes are round. There are shadows under my eyes. My nose is big. My lips are thing. There are scars by my mouth. My neck is fat. My breasts are large and pendulous. My stomach is huge. And on and on down to my feet.

I really hated a tactic the doctor was using, which was insulting them outrageously so that they would see how ridiculous it was. Such as I can’t believe how those people had to sit there and look at someone as ugly as you. They all got up and walked out they were so sick of looking at you. I wouldn’t have made it to that point. I would have been so uncomfortable at catching glimpses of myself in the monitor, that by the time they brought the mirror out I would have just broken down and started crying.

I quit a job because the furniture was rearranged and there was nothing between me and a very large full length mirror about thirty feet away. It was parallel to the desk I had to sit at sometimes and couldn’t be avoided and it was just upsetting me so much because I look even fatter sitting down and I hate my profile so much.

I am a little concerned that because all three guests were Checkers it does make people with BDD look incredibly vain.